Kitchen Boot Camp
Source: www.three2seven.com

I know I'm not a great cook; in fact, I may be the worst ever. But I really thought I'd be fine with baked risotto. The recipe called for leeks. I may have managed to find them at the store but I'd never used them in cooking. The cookbook said, "two leeks, sliced". Does that mean the green end or the white? I had to call the hotline - the friend I call whenever I'm on the verge of a cooking disaster. She was in the middle of work, but hey, this was a cooking emergency that needed urgent attention. I correctly guessed the stringy end needed to be cut off (my friend confirmed that it was indeed the bulb - after she'd got over the shock that I was actually slicing a leek rather than dealing with a packet of "risotto mix") but that was the extent of my expertise. Now I know; that it's a little part of the green and most of the white cylinder - excluding the bulb - that gets sliced up.

I should add that my "hotline helper" is the same friend who felt so bad for the survival of my family when I had my second child that she was bringing home-cooked meals to our house by the dozen. Thanks to her I realized it was possible to freeze rice in those little Glad containers. It has been my savour with kids - an instant serve and reheats nicely in a matter of minutes. My expertise stops there.

The risotto called for chopped-up bacon, leeks and thyme to be cooked on high heat as the first step. What I want to know is why practically all the bacon managed to jump out of the pan like popcorn? This wasn't the bad part though: it was the slightly crunchy rice at the end. This is typical! I never fail to put recipes into a spin with my execution. This is a great example of how we eat in our house. My family expects my meals to be either burned or undercooked. When I showed my 5-year-old boy the delicious risotto it sent him dry heaving in the bathroom. Okay, so he has the flu today, but how is this supposed to encourage the expansion of my cooking skills? My poor husband somehow deals with my inability to make the most basic recipes all the time (even managing to regularly call them the "best ever!"... I know love can be blind, but no taste buds either!?). Even the kids struggle to eat my food.

This is it. I have come to the realization that I'm in need of more than just a cookbook. I need the most intensive cooking lessons of all time. This is a case for Martha Stewart and Donna Hay combined. I need to be thrown into a one-week intensive cooking camp so I can lift my game. If I can't make a simple recipe for my family, how on earth can I expect to throw a three-course dinner party?