Kitchen Boot Camp
Source: www.three2seven.com

I know I'm not a great cook; in fact, I may be the worst ever. But I really thought I'd be fine with baked risotto. The recipe called for leeks. I may have managed to find them at the store but I'd never used them in cooking. The cookbook said, "two leeks, sliced". Does that mean the green end or the white? I had to call the hotline - the friend I call whenever I'm on the verge of a cooking disaster. She was in the middle of work, but hey, this was a cooking emergency that needed urgent attention. I correctly guessed the stringy end needed to be cut off (my friend confirmed that it was indeed the bulb - after she'd got over the shock that I was actually slicing a leek rather than dealing with a packet of "risotto mix") but that was the extent of my expertise. Now I know; that it's a little part of the green and most of the white cylinder - excluding the bulb - that gets sliced up.

I should add that my "hotline helper" is the same friend who felt so bad for the survival of my family when I had my second child that she was bringing home-cooked meals to our house by the dozen. Thanks to her I realized it was possible to freeze rice in those little Glad containers. It has been my savour with kids - an instant serve and reheats nicely in a matter of minutes. My expertise stops there.

The risotto called for chopped-up bacon, leeks and thyme to be cooked on high heat as the first step. What I want to know is why practically all the bacon managed to jump out of the pan like popcorn? This wasn't the bad part though: it was the slightly crunchy rice at the end. This is typical! I never fail to put recipes into a spin with my execution. This is a great example of how we eat in our house. My family expects my meals to be either burned or undercooked. When I showed my 5-year-old boy the delicious risotto it sent him dry heaving in the bathroom. Okay, so he has the flu today, but how is this supposed to encourage the expansion of my cooking skills? My poor husband somehow deals with my inability to make the most basic recipes all the time (even managing to regularly call them the "best ever!"... I know love can be blind, but no taste buds either!?). Even the kids struggle to eat my food.

This is it. I have come to the realization that I'm in need of more than just a cookbook. I need the most intensive cooking lessons of all time. This is a case for Martha Stewart and Donna Hay combined. I need to be thrown into a one-week intensive cooking camp so I can lift my game. If I can't make a simple recipe for my family, how on earth can I expect to throw a three-course dinner party?

Men Shop And Hide Too
three2seven.com

What is it about guys and toys? Take my husband. He doesn't believe in owning a single anything, whether it's for triathlon, his band, skateboarding or whatever. Two days later I check the mail and find a package slip from the post office. It turned out to be the deck part of the skateboard. He obviously found something he liked. It was some "Dogtown" thing that my husband described as the gods of skateboarding. Next day I check mail and find package slip. It's the wheels. Day after that it's the trucks - the part that the wheels go on. Isn't this a little much? Can't he buy a skateboard in one whole piece? It turns out there are hard wheels, soft wheels and different sizes so he needed to make sure he had the "performance" he wanted.

Next weekend we venture into a skate shop to add new wheels to our son's board. I can see my husband eyeing another Dogtown board. I was like, "Don't even think about it!" Apparently it was wider so it had different "uses" to the other one he purchased. Well, this board he was looking at suspiciously arrived to our house the next day. I know I buy clothes and shove them in the closet so fast that they become old the same day I buy them, but come on: this is in front of me!

Then later that week he comes home to tell me he has pitched a story to one of the magazines to run a piece on men skateboarding in their 40s... how convenient! He used this leverage to get three more boards interestingly shipped to his office instead of home. Unfortunately for him the boxes were so big I needed to pick him up from work with the evidence. That night he assumed the role of skateboard mechanic. Four hours later he had a row of five perfectly assembled skateboards. The product demonstration began with him saying, "This one is good for bowls and... this one is used for downhill cruising (as if!)... this is an old school board..."

Two weeks into it he managed to hurt his knee skating the bowls. Three weeks later he tried to resume. Four weeks later he played lawn bowls for a work function - done on a flat patch of grass - and rolled his knee. He now needs a knee reconstruction. Is this a good time to ask for that Tiffany's ring - or was that back when the fifth skateboard arrived??

The Storm Before The Calm
Source: www.three2seven.com

Some days highlight who you really are more than others. It all started when a dear friend of mine asked me to join her for a launch on one particular evening. It required getting a little glammed up for the occasion.

But let me take you back to the very beginning of my day. Thinking I was all ready to drive Cody to school and Madison to gymnastics, I realize that I haven't even made Cody's lunch nor have I done his home reading. Then Madison tells me she hasn't eaten breakfast. How can that be? I know she had two bowls of cereal. Somewhere in the middle of doing all of my duties and trying to get out the door Madison dumped her toys in the hallway. Expecting a repairman for our dishwasher mid-morning, I had no choice but to leave him an obstacle path so I could get to school on time.

After dropping Cody off, we arrived minutes late for Madison's gymnastics, which led me to leave our car in the middle of the parking lot so I could get her into class. This is, of course, the first time she decides to cling to my leg for an extended period. Meanwhile I'm having visions of the car being towed away and at the same time I have a fleeting thought about what I'm going to wear that evening as if I was ready to escape the day already. Then my friend calls to discuss MY clothing selection. Once that was approved Madison's gymnastics finished and we headed off for more excitement. A few groceries, our regular Boost smoothie and on a whim I decided it was time our daughter, 4 years old, experienced a pedicure with mommy. Madison selected a beautiful pink, we sipped on our smoothies, chatted about life, waited for the toes to dry, put our shoes on and headed off.

By then it was time for a quick lunch before we hit the ballet scene and pick her brother up from school. Once we got to the school, both kids played on the playground equipment. Cody chased Madison, which ended up in tears after five minutes, with Madison running into a pole. Then a few moments later Cody was showing off his various tricks and fell on his head after hanging upside down. After we got through all the tears it was a relief to get in the car. We were all having a nice talk and then Cody asked the lethal question, "What is for dinner?" The answer being "pasta" led to a car war zone. Cody kicked Madison. Madison screamed with her piercing roar that vibrates across the globe turning me into a raging bull by this stage.

My husband was due home at 6:30pm so I could be ready for my friend at 6:50pm. With pots and pans on full boil, the kids up in arms over our dinner selection, I look down at my toes - they're smudged! How could this be? At the very moment when I need to feel some sort of remote togetherness, it is still falling apart. My hair is on top of my head at 6:00pm, no make-up, barely a clothes selection and kids to feed. By 6:15pm I get a phone call from my glamorous friend, "I've just been in hair and make-up... I'm on my way." Right then and there I realized I am the woman from Desperate Housewives. I am the one who has fleeting thoughts about leaving the kids on the street because I can't stand the screaming in the car. My clothes are barely turned right side up - I am her! But at the same time I have this newfound appreciation for what celebrity moms have to go through - balancing work, motherhood and the need to look like they have walked off the cover of a magazine every time they attend a launch - even with a nanny in toe!